Chronically Healing Through Writing

Thoughts of the end -so through a pen I share rawfully honest thoughts. Thoughts about my relationship with chronic pain. Thoughts about the fantasies of romantic love , and the agony when this illusion disappears. The goal is to learn from my own journey through words.

Month: June, 2014

Alone or lonely

It’s the times your are amongst many when you realize you are the loneliness.

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He said

You recall conversations
You remember when he said
He said he gives it 2 tries
He tried twice
He would wait 2 days
He would call 2 times
He believes in second chances
However not when it comes to me.
One day, one call, and I am not even a second thought.
Who is the winner if you can’t be in first place? What about 2nd or 3rd? Is there a difference?

Five self-help books that actually helped – Expanded Consciousness

http://expandedconsciousness.com/2014/04/05/five-self-help-books-that-actually-helped/

Depressed

You know you are depressed when emotional eating takes a twisted turn to the biggest display of greed. I created the fattest cold stone recipe, and bought it in the mine size. I order vanilla ice cream mixed with, chocolate chip, cook dough, mashed waffle cones, yellow cake, and caramel sauce. Oh and I asked for extra cookie dough.

I was embarrassed in my head, but I could not wipe the smile off my face. I continued to smile when I would think of an extra ingredient to add in. Each time the poor girl thought she was done I added another. I didn’t care about being judged.

My only fear was that it would have costed more than the $11 I had on me. I failed to mention…I’m broke. The last thing I should be doing is spending $10.12 on ice cream. But that will be breakfast and dinner for at least a day or 2 so I’m good…right? Wrong!

Depression

You know you are depressed when you realize your antidepressant meds are working and you don’t want them to.

You just want to feel every detail of pain an sorrow. Instead you just feel sad, confused about why you wanted to drown in the bath tub a few days ago. Telling yourself it wasn’t that bad, but wishing you had the guts to do it. 

You are in this world of middle grown. You are still down but energy and optimism wants to leap out of you. It’s a mental twilight zone really. In many ways this feeling is not better because of the struggle. It’s confusing, overwhelming, and lonely.

You realized you were always in the twilight zone. The twilight zone is the reality. The extreme highs and lows are ignited by other stimuli. My love life saddens me, my friends bring laughter, and work is a combination of both that keeps me grounded. However, when I’m home alone  or alone with my thoughts; I find myself stuck in the twilight zone.
So I guess the pills are working…

Birth Control

My hormone levels have never been the same since  messing with YAZ or Yasmine in my 20s. I’m really not sure which bitch it was, but I don’t know if I have a case for my issue. I see the commercials to call if you experienced certain side effects. However, my situation isn’t so serious.

Just a little unwanted facial hair lol. I never had hair growth on my chin before! Yet only after a few weeks of messing with one of those bitches;  they appeared, and never went away.  No, I don’t have a beard lol; I wax, etc but it’s harsh on my skin. I’m not lying, one single hair  even grew out of my neck  the 2nd week I took those pills… and it grows back every time I remove it. That was over 7 years ago.

I just can’t remember which bitch it was lol! I guess it was for the best. I would have had a zoo without the zookeeper. Or Feed the Children infomercials for my massive family.

The things we do so men can shoot the club up with ease.
The things we do to pleasure our partners-but we get no credit.

On a serious note though- to the men of my past and future…

To you, I am just a beast with a hairy chin on a bad day. To me, I saved us thousands of $$ in child care expenses, made a choice to not be careless with life’s creation, and protected the present. To you I am too emotional; hot and cold. You are angry at my lowered sex drive, and drying vagina- that no longer flows like the river the entire 30 minutes- you bang your life away inside me. 
To me, I prevented another unplanned and unwanted pregnancy we were not prepared to deal with. I sacrificed  my body to deal with side effects from medicine I had no idea would impact me later in life.  I did it for us, and an innocent child. Not all mistakes are blessings.

So instead of name calling, complaining, and judging, be a partner.  Do more to put me in the mood. Buy me massage packages to calm these raging hormones. Provide funds for my wax, laser hair removal or whatever else that will do the trick lol. 

Or how about we find alternatives to medicine together.
That might be too much to ask. Hence, why I do not believe in 50- 50 in relationships. It’s impossible. Men do not appear to be wired with empathy when blood flow is rushing to their dicks.

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Fuck you YAZ, Yasmine, and all the other hoes you are related to! Bitch!