Chronically Healing Through Writing

Thoughts of the end -so through a pen I share rawfully honest thoughts. Thoughts about my relationship with chronic pain. Thoughts about the fantasies of romantic love , and the agony when this illusion disappears. The goal is to learn from my own journey through words.

Month: July, 2014

Tears and driving.

Do not cry while driving in the rain. It’s harder to see through your own tears on top of the rain beating on your window. The windshield wipers can only wipe away one set. So it’s best to wait until you get home. Lesson learned.

It is you.

I am the problem. I realized I am the problem. I over think, and I over analogize, but I failed to see I am the
common denominator in all that is wrong. This epiphany does not come lightly, as I have been in denial for some time. The people who love you, only see who they love, but are blind to the reality. Its makes all the advice about loving and accepting yourself pretty useless. 

My mind is my worst enemy. It tells me things I know are true, and my feelings become hurt when others see it. Yet, those who disagree, think I have low self esteem.This is not refreshing news. It is not refreshing because I just do not care to do anything about it.  I am tired of trying to improve something that is obviously in my destiny. I have done serious damage to myself just to be accepted. Why fight it? I just have to grow tougher skin, and learn to deal with those who see the truth, and love those who love me enough to ignore it. I am a black women without curves, I have a gut, and no butt! Fuck it!

Is it wrong to question everything?

I question life; I question God; I question everything. I have honest questions, that are only answered with opinions and belief systems. I am then pegged wrong for questioning something I clearly do not understand. Those who do not question- still do not have the answers. I can only answer with a feeling.

If my entire life was already designed why pray for change? Is it really in God’s hands then?  If the laws of attraction applies, then where is the God in it? If I willed it so; who is to say my will goes or doesn’t go against God’s plans.? I wanted something desperately, and I got it, but then its taken away. The purpose is this lesson learned in the end. What end?

I made something happen with my thoughts? Do my thoughts even belong to me? My biggest fear became my reality, and now I am praying for something that was destined to happen-to cease. I then put all my energy into this thing ending, and it ends when it feels like it. Not on my terms. As if I am not in control, because I am asking someone or it to stop what I caused. But I am supposed to be in control- I am God? God am I?

Am I being punished for asking/praying? The saying be careful what you ask for is key here. You pray for it you pay for it. Tell God your plans, and he will laugh- because we are not suppose to plan, but leave it up to God? Yet, we are told to think positively, as positive will come. When the opposite occurs, I am told life is unfair, and no one is exempt from suffering. Pray for the answer. Pray for a healing. Why think at all? Why feel at all?

If God is perfect than why is  jealous God? Why am I unable to practice Christianity, and serve a deity? Isn’t jealousy and greed a sin? Why does God punish, and never truly forgives in this existent life? Child bearing would not be painful if God forgave women. Why is suicide a sin? What if it is in my fate to suffer a long and tortured death in the future? Why is it wrong to be in control of my own destiny. But if my destiny was already foreshadowed what makes anything wrong? Born to sin and born to serve. What is the difference if the end result is equally damming ?

And after all  that I am still left without answers/