Chronically Healing Through Writing

Thoughts of the end -so through a pen I share rawfully honest thoughts. Thoughts about my relationship with chronic pain. Thoughts about the fantasies of romantic love , and the agony when this illusion disappears. The goal is to learn from my own journey through words.

Month: September, 2014

Fake it until you make it…I guess


Today I am going to pretend  that I apply all these wonderful lessons to my life.

I am going to read all the positive affirmations and pretend that it’s working for me.

I will pretend I am as positive as the things I post in hopes that it sinks in.
I will pretend that this ginger is ridding my body of inflammation.

I will pretend this probiotic will clean the gut I constantly ignored when I knew he was never going to give me himself fully.

I will pretend the cucumber and celery in my green juice will flush out the toxins I put in my body the night before; to drink my sorrows away.

I will pretend that I am not aching from the inside out because he he and he left  forcing me to walk away to keep some dignity.

I will pretend that I am this universal catch and that it’s his loss.

I will pretend my life is filled with joy, and that I no longer feel lonely.

I will pretend people actually read my writing, and take something from it.

I will pretend not to care if I’m heard.

I will pretend not to care if I do not receive feedback.

I will pretend that any feedback would help me get over him.

I will pretend he is just one person, and not past lovers reincarnated from my mind.

I will pretend that I am a victim, and I played no part in being left emotionally destitute, destroyed, and hopeless.

I will pretend not to hate myself for breaking all my rules in the name of love, while diminishing common sense.

I will pretend to pray to the universe, and pretend it hears me.

I will pretend not to be angry at God for taking him away from me.

I will pretend not to be embarrassed and angry at myself for praying so hard for another human to fill the lonely void in my soul.

I will pretend that I wasn’t happy when the universe finally listened and blessed me with the man I wanted.

I will pretend to learn my lesson, and not be a fool again.

I will pretend that yoga and meditation will help.

I will pretend that I am satisfied with a toy, wine, and incense.

I will pretend to be a whole person; not seeking another half.

I will pretend to be healed.

Ignoring all organ functions


He said all the wrong things at the right time…but I stayed anyway.
Idiotic is the feeling that rushes through when I realized I ignored the truth.
Giving preference to the illusional delusional characteristics of the heart.
Telling myself the heart is more than an organ.
The heart seemed to have pumped too much rose color nonsense to my brain.
When I am usually Medusa; filled with self created black blood.
With the power of healing my own wounds.
Self inflicted by ignoring my gut
Internally bleeding and regurgitating the red for black.
Deep inside I knew he never had me, or my emotional backing.
Trust. I trusted. I envisioned. I wish I hoped. I did all things a pessimistic Medusa wouldn’t do. Hope.
After the septic shock caused by the bacteria which is he
I then went into cardiogenic shock
I’m now in the garden alone trapped inside my own body.
No brain activity just artificially living and breathing, with the breath of lies that never left.
At one point his breath kept me warm.
No longer a thinking, feeling, loving being.
I live off vaccines
Forever to be punished for listening to the rose colored organ over matter.
Forever to be punished because I been here before, and assumed the same action will produce a different result.
Forever punished for trusting him with my heart-Hoping the gut was telling the brain lies as a defense mechanism.
Forever punished for going in the field of love without armour-again.
I guess I deserve to be a vegetable. I just can’t help but feel  for the next guy who think he will get more added to this meal.
I am a vegetable.

Romantic Slavery

Love Hate Death

The moment I realized I loved you, was the moment I realized I hated you.

Loving you to the point of wanting to inflict pain and hoping harm comes your way.

Hating you for opening my mind to love using the analogy of the organ that pumps blood through my existence.

Remembering the lies I wanted to always hear while lying in your arms. They call it pillow talk.

“I’m here;  I will never tell you no; I will always be here for you; I like you just the way you are”.

That inner voice told me the power in those words lacked power. Yet, I gave it too much power because it was the appropriate wording for you.

I did not expect more, and  grew happier with less.

Telling myself I am simple, easygoing and easy to please. Not realizing my love is much more complex.

I told myself anything you said  meant something because you were emotionally mute.

Giving the benefit of the doubt-saying that was the best you could do.

Discovering there was no damage or wall to  bust down.

You just lacked the interest that would produce words that would be deemed as meaningful.

Our feelings did not match and I knew time was just being passed.

I tried to make each time memorable than the last in hopes of becoming infinite.

Spewing illusions that we had a bond that surpassed a name

Ignoring the way you looked beyond me as we slept together

The look that there could be more to me or more than me.

I was just an object that laid, and your thoughts allowed you to finish on top.

You controlled the urge to roll over to the other side; as I trained you to spoon before doing so.

Knowing this should come natural, I allowed myself to enjoy anyway.

My chemical imbalance needed embracing, and physical contact soothes the nervous system.

So mental neglect became physical nurture, and I did it all with my mind.

Who did I love? Who did I hate?

I loved the man I created, and I hated what he was not.

I am victim and villain.

A victim of my own delusions; a vile masochist.

Causing my own pain, by staying where I wasn’t wanted.

Yet, experiencing the euphoric pleasures of you.

I never laughed so hard. I never had such fun with limitless nothings. I never achieved ultimate pleasure of pleasing. I never worked so hard to keep;until you.

You are one of those enigmas that travel invisibly still in between space and time.

Capturing the hearts of many, but never staying  or investing yourself to another.

Universally lovable with the power to stay removed from all being.

Hurting everyone in your path because you are never truly there, yet refuse to leave.

Preferring to only come and go as you please, leaving without scaring and untainted  by emotional triste.

You go on free, leaving me as a prisoner of your legacy.

I assume you never look back, but you will always remember my name.

Again, I am wondering who is wrong here.

I blame you because you had the power to walk away knowing I became powerless as my feelings matured with time.

I blame myself for insanity, as falling for the same type of man is pure madness.

Powerless to the universal nature that makes you hard to ignore.

Your smile, your body, your humor, and your drive. All that makes you a commodity.’

Remembering the feeling of bliss and luck for deserving such an energy.

Yet, you were never mine to deserve.

This pedestal I put you on is shameful to me as a woman.

You slowly separate yourself from me until I have no choice but to accept your invisibility.

Without a word or explanation you become ghost. Without feeling or reaction, you take the verbal abuse, and say “I’m sorry you feel that way”

Instead you should be offering your condolences, because you are dead to me.

You ended your life with me.

I think about how you will resurrect with someone else, and I cant help but hate you.

I want so badly for your death to remain forever if I can not have you.

That is why I love you.