The Aftermath of Loving the Unavailable

by lizisarealist

Romantics say they would do it all over again

If they had the chance- to fall in love – all over again

I would rather erase the notion of love from my soul then to experience the pain of love loss again

It’s a chronic pain that remains

constant until its done torturing

and the suffering…

You prefer fire over freezing

A slow death over breathing

You wonder where God is in all of this

You sleep until you are dust

The tears cried can fill up buckets and put out fires

You wish the act of crying can burn calories after all the emotional eating

You lose your appetite and your stomach swells from hunger; yet are numb to the pain

You have only dined on your finger nails

To drink were the salty tears that dripped down to your lips

The image of the end is the only thought that brings comfort

You make your life insurance policy more accessible

You realize that’s a silly thought…Puts back in drawer

Bathing takes too much effort

Turning on the TV takes too much effort

Answering the phone takes too much effort

Reality kicks in and you realize you have a job

Showering and combing your hair is a normal routine before going in to work; yet too much effort

Apparently, you do not do the best job reducing the puffiness in your eyes, or the swelling in your face

You lie about having allergies during non-allergy season.

Your eyes are bloody red. They constantly swell up with tears that periodically fall

You can’t see the computer screen

You keep taking bathroom breaks

You realize you are not equipped for work, and ask the boss if you can leave… “You’re sick”

Your boss sympathetically grants your request because there is no doubt…you look like lard and death

You return home and realized you no longer have any sick or personal time left…you don’t care

You lay back down in the permanent indent you left of your body in the bed

Its 12 noon and you hear your neighbors having sex, and wonder why the universe hates you so much

You are green with envy because you have no idea when you will make love again

You then try to shake the jealous and defeating thoughts

Your’e thinking the emotional price must be high to be touched.  She could be sleeping with the enemy or a soulless creature who only awakens when inside. Like I was

Yet you can’t stop wishing it were you again

Wishing for that glimpse of hope

That someone will want you again

That he will want you again, and realize the mistake he has made

You snap out of that fantasy to see flashbacks of the awkward facial expressions he would make when you mentioned future plans. When you mentioned the restaurant you wanted to try next month

Unknowing his plans did not reach that far

Flashbacks of him growing distant and cold. Lacking intimacy and affection. Seeing him lie on the opposite side of the bed missing when you spooned.

Replaying the conversations asking if you did anything wrong?

If so how can you fix it? Asking if he is okay

Offering your body

Offering your listening ear

Offering peace of mind

Offering a comfortable place (your heart)

All to be declined offers

Wishing he would at least take advantage of you like he did before

Thinking the only way to prove your worth is to allow yourself to be used

Feeling less than when that’s no longer good enough

You realize he doesn’t need you anymore either

He found his independence

You wonder who the other woman is who has his nose open

Realizing that it may just be you are no longer good enough.

Your time is up

He is done. You don’t have long-term lasting power

You’re nice, but not future material

He lies to keep from feeling bad about hurting your feelings. Knowing he just wishes you would get the hint

You ignore the pattern that you have initiated contact for months, and if you did not; you didn’t see or hear him.

You did not read a message he wrote. You did not feel his breath on your skin. The scent of him has faded from your sheets

The stench of his habits have gone

You gradually see less of his personal effects. The only things left could be left behind, and he never returns for them

You finally decide to let him go by no longer initiating contact

He never checks on you

You wonder if he remembers aside from lovers a friendship was built; does he care about how he is hurting his friend?

You keep fighting the urge to call or do a drive by

You keep going over what you did wrong this time.

Wondering why is it always so bad that they chose the route to disappear instead. Abandoned you.

This is what happens when you fall in love with one who is invisible/unavailable

He was never really there.

He was a figment of ego driven desires

Now you are left with the reflection of your own shadow

Your need for love caused him to emotionally drain you

He took all of the sun as you became his shadow

Now he is off either giving or taking light from another

You are back to sewing the pieces of a sweater together, as you have grown frigid

How many times can one put the pieces back together?

I am no romantic… the temporary high is not worth the low.

Photo:artist unknown