Chronically Healing Through Writing

Thoughts of the end -so through a pen I share rawfully honest thoughts. Thoughts about my relationship with chronic pain. Thoughts about the fantasies of romantic love , and the agony when this illusion disappears. The goal is to learn from my own journey through words.

Month: December, 2014

Stranger

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Sanity has become fantasy
Dreaming of nights when sleep was peaceful
Remembering days when mornings were hopeful
The man I allowed in my bed
The hopes planted in my head
Now in an afterlife of words that were broken
Moments that were stolen
Colors of me fade as his grow brighter
Letting love with someone else take him higher
When it was I who taught him how to love
Now left loveless, and that I am ashamed of
Stolen moments are now shared with someone else
As I pick up the pieces and try to heal myself
Loneliness grows into sorrow as sorrow grows into anger
Still refusing to believe my once love has become a stranger

Dumped by Actions

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Internal cries of November
As fall leaves, and winter arrives in December
Our love in the summer is what I will always remember
Less clothing worn, and his touch was so tender

Mistakes evolved into the decision
When love became cold and lost vision
I was convinced staying would heal  S.A.D
I told myself praying would return his love for me
Seasons changed and he still didn’t move
His strategy worked; I had to show and prove
He became presently absent each and everyday
Yet, our memories of summer told me to stay
He finally said the words to remove me from the equation
I out stayed him; he grew impatient-
Wanted out of the situation
Reversed psychology belonged to him
As I orchestrated the words that became our end
All apart of his exit plan
And still, I want my palm in his hand

Rage in Silence

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Silently crying
Violently still
Internally yelling
Externally numb
Blindly seeing red in a world of rainbows
Mentally torturing the tormentor
Injuring without moving
Smothering without the use of force
Loving no more
Doing no more
Being no more
Patiently waiting for karma to avenge me
Justifiably broken

Photo source: Faceless Emotion
http://www.ozarks.edu/newsevents/news/news_story.asp?newsID=4296

Powerless

I am powerless over bringing my dreams to light.
I’m powerless over his next move.
I can not stop him from moving n.
I can not stop him from seeing the light in another.
What am I going to do once he really moves on?
How will I move on?
The man of my dreams who does not share my affections.
People say I should move on.
People say I will find someone better.
No, no no no no no no
I want him, I want what I had.
The one who fit,  like a glove, eased my nerves,  made me comfortable.
How could my best not be good enough
My friends say it’s ok; you can’t make everyone happy.
It’s not ok, because I gave my all.
I gave my all and the one I wanted didn’t want it.
People say I’m the problem,  for falling for someone who didn’t love you.
Yet as hurt as I am I can only think of the good times.
How happy his existence made me.
How he was never the type to be on my list and now my list describes him.
There will never be a duplicate. 
I feel like I’m starving.  I’m going through withdrawal. 
He will move on. He will find better.
What will I have left? 
Just memories.
It’s pointless to share with someone who will only settle for you to protect your feelings
Still I want to relinquish all of my pride and tell him
Life has not moved since you left
Joy is a mask
I miss being in your arms
I miss feeling like I’m a part of something.  A team.
I literally need you to breath.
I need you to live fully
I always lived but became alive when we connected.
It was beyond sex.  You were the truest friend and lover.
People say make yourself happy. 
I have been content. I have been full with positive normalcy.
You brought true happiness. 
Happiness I never knew could exist
And after all that I have to go back to my regular life.
I know sharing my feelings would go on deaf ears. 
So I suffer alone.

Burning Tears

tears

Minutes passed and my eyes are still burning from the tears

Staining my face as I reflect on my future years

Years without the one who released my deepest fears

The fear that silence would be the song singing in my ears

Hours passed and my eyes are still burning from the tears

Recalling all the words said; the words I needed to hear

Realizing in the present, intentions were never clear

Dazed I am, as headlights dazed the deer

Days passed and my eyes are still burning from the tears

Reflecting on the time invested, yet now he is no longer near

Becoming clearer and clearer that said affections weren’t sincere

The mourning of his departure is becoming too severe

Weeks passed and my eyes are still burning from the tears

I openly welcomed death just so my mind would permanently clear

Clear my mind of the thoughts; asking why he disappeared

Replaying every moment; hoping the answer became engineered

Months passed and my eyes are still burning from the tears

Was it me? Did I not wholeheartedly adhere

to every want, and desire requested of my dear

Was it me? Did I lack in optimism? Did I lack in cheer?

Did the anxiety of losing love run him into the opposite sphere

A year passed and my eyes are still burning from the tears

I am dead inside and isolated from all my peers

He has moved on and its  simply isn’t fair

I was never allowed to plead my case; and so the end is near

He  stood back as I stabbed myself violently with his spear

Dying a slow death; bleeding out, he never shed a tear

Infinity passed and my eyes eternally burning from the tears

Permanently stained on my cheeks, are life times of fear

The fear of being alone, and the  fear that no one cares

He finds me in every life, by the smell of my burning tears

The cycle continues, as I am resurrected by the words I want to hear

That he is the love of my life, and he will never go anywhere.

Coping not Dealing

Weight has been gained
Drinks have been devoured
Still alive drowning in sorrow
Arrows have been smoked until pointless
Arrows to my heart have been relentless
Pained with the pleasure of no more
Tears cried until delirious
Aged without grace
Hands swollen from knitting something to warm the cold
Circulation has left
No life in my spine
No bending over to please
I am lifeless without a heart
I am breathless without love
Forever intoxicated from the memory of warmth

No Words

Ingenious is the feeling when you come up empty
Silence is my greatest work
For you do not have access to the deepest treasure
Treasure being my mind, and spirit
Which has no sound, but vibrates through the senses of vision and touch
My eyes tells the story of my broken soul
My touch tells a thousand love stories
The same hands feed the millions who are hungry
I am no stranger to writer’s block
I am no stranger to stuttering
However, my eyes tell the saddest story
My touch sings the sweetest song
Over emphasizing on the words
Neglecting the feeling
If you must know I love you
I hope I never have to say this again
Listen with your soul

Selfless Reversed

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After I have motivated
inspired, touched lives,
and brought humor
I will return home
Alone
To an empty place
with no other face
Other than to see my own
Meanwhile, you go home
Share my greatness with another
Quite possibly learned from something I did or said
Yet I’m here, alone in my own head
As you curl up in your bed
Never realizing what you take for granted
I lay alone and wonder
Why share my gifts
What is the advantage?

I have nothing else