Chronically Healing Through Writing

Thoughts of the end -so through a pen I share rawfully honest thoughts. Thoughts about my relationship with chronic pain. Thoughts about the fantasies of romantic love , and the agony when this illusion disappears. The goal is to learn from my own journey through words.

Month: May, 2015

Blended Tears

Do not cry while it rains.

Care less

I’m not understanding-
I don’t care

http://lizisarealist.tumblr.com/post/119432554161/care-less

The Absence of Closure

I never heard the door slam
Or the call drop
Just silence
Just the words that allowed me to paint my own pictures
The actions that mislead me into the deep end of you
Leaving your things behind
wishing you would one day retrieve
Time passes, and you never do
The last message I continue to re-save
Regrets of washing the shirt that lingered the scent of us
Recalling when you said ” I knew I would feel better once I came home…and talked to you”
While never forgetting when you said “I just don’t know”
Then I revisit the moment you became so tense
I placed my hand on your back and told you to breathe
and there was breath within us, between us, and around us
My love provided my own comfort
The feeling of home.
The hand of love
The mask of promise
Promises that you would simply be still
A promise that uncertainty was an unwelcomed visitor in our nest
A promise of where we would go
Yet never knowing where we were
I simply got lost in the words
As I knew the wind would blow me back in the direction of us.
They say not to move backwards
Yet I can not move forward
I am still waiting for your change
I’m waiting for the energy to shift in my direction again
Hoping that you would remember
Not believing for a minute that I couldn’t have done more
In disbelief that your mind could  change so easily
Was it really that easy

Hound

A hell hound disguised as man’s best friend.
Got close enough to sniff me
Lick my bones, and bite into my flesh.
My gut was silenced with moans
Ignoring the warnings to stay away
I moved towards
Growing infatuated with a supernatural…

Pain

I hold the weights of power lifters, yet nothing in my hands
I feel the changes of all seasons, yet I stand still
I feel the pain of humidity, yet the moisture stems from my tears

A Quiet Fight

pain art

I am not as invisible as the pain within

Screaming in silence; living in my skin

Breathing deeply through the pain

Calming flares in the midst of rain

Hoping the fog will pass

In hopes of completing a daily task

I tell myself that I am stronger

As I fight harder as days grow longer

Yet I am growing tremendously weak

Struggling to stay on and off my feet

Should I lay or should I stand

Should I try to warm my hands

I am not invisible like the pain within

People will see the tears fall to my chin

So I smile as an award winning actress

Knowing soon it will be just me and the mattress

One day at I time; I tell myself

pain art 2

Daily, I think about how to conquer the world

How to do the impossible

How to defy the odds

Daily I wonder, will I gather the strength to pick the clothes up off the floor

Will I ever get to the laundry

Will I sleep well enough to get to work on time

Hoping I do not disappoint another person because of what I am too tired to do

Minute by minute, I pray that this new day will be more productive than the last…

That I will accomplish something I didn’t the day before

Only to realize I just existed on a Tuesday, and cried on Wednesday

The pile of clothes grows higher because

Daily I rush home and strip of the things that pains me

The bra that hurts, the shirt that agitates

The shoes that suffocate

I throw them on the floor, and hope I have the energy to pick them up later

Only to realize; my skin has grown cold, and I have to put on a blanket

Yet the apartment is warm

20 minutes later I am naked again

Pondering if this is laziness, the physical pain, or depression… it may be all 3

Remembering the highlights of washing the dishes and taking out the trash

Remembering that I made it through work despite needing to wear a sweater all day

Ignoring the stares because others are hot

Fantasizing about bringing a heater to work in July in hopes to offset the air conditioning… and a smile appears

I just created a season in my mind

I conquered the world today

One day at a time

Until tomorrow