Chronically Healing Through Writing

Thoughts of the end -so through a pen I share rawfully honest thoughts. Thoughts about my relationship with chronic pain. Thoughts about the fantasies of romantic love , and the agony when this illusion disappears. The goal is to learn from my own journey through words.

Category: depression

Ignoring all organ functions

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He said all the wrong things at the right time…but I stayed anyway.
Idiotic is the feeling that rushes through when I realized I ignored the truth.
Giving preference to the illusional delusional characteristics of the heart.
Telling myself the heart is more than an organ.
The heart seemed to have pumped too much rose color nonsense to my brain.
When I am usually Medusa; filled with self created black blood.
With the power of healing my own wounds.
Self inflicted by ignoring my gut
Internally bleeding and regurgitating the red for black.
Deep inside I knew he never had me, or my emotional backing.
Trust. I trusted. I envisioned. I wish I hoped. I did all things a pessimistic Medusa wouldn’t do. Hope.
After the septic shock caused by the bacteria which is he
I then went into cardiogenic shock
I’m now in the garden alone trapped inside my own body.
No brain activity just artificially living and breathing, with the breath of lies that never left.
At one point his breath kept me warm.
No longer a thinking, feeling, loving being.
I live off vaccines
Forever to be punished for listening to the rose colored organ over matter.
Forever to be punished because I been here before, and assumed the same action will produce a different result.
Forever punished for trusting him with my heart-Hoping the gut was telling the brain lies as a defense mechanism.
Forever punished for going in the field of love without armour-again.
I guess I deserve to be a vegetable. I just can’t help but feel  for the next guy who think he will get more added to this meal.
I am a vegetable.

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It is you.

I am the problem. I realized I am the problem. I over think, and I over analogize, but I failed to see I am the
common denominator in all that is wrong. This epiphany does not come lightly, as I have been in denial for some time. The people who love you, only see who they love, but are blind to the reality. Its makes all the advice about loving and accepting yourself pretty useless. 

My mind is my worst enemy. It tells me things I know are true, and my feelings become hurt when others see it. Yet, those who disagree, think I have low self esteem.This is not refreshing news. It is not refreshing because I just do not care to do anything about it.  I am tired of trying to improve something that is obviously in my destiny. I have done serious damage to myself just to be accepted. Why fight it? I just have to grow tougher skin, and learn to deal with those who see the truth, and love those who love me enough to ignore it. I am a black women without curves, I have a gut, and no butt! Fuck it!

Alone or lonely

It’s the times your are amongst many when you realize you are the loneliness.

Depressed

You know you are depressed when emotional eating takes a twisted turn to the biggest display of greed. I created the fattest cold stone recipe, and bought it in the mine size. I order vanilla ice cream mixed with, chocolate chip, cook dough, mashed waffle cones, yellow cake, and caramel sauce. Oh and I asked for extra cookie dough.

I was embarrassed in my head, but I could not wipe the smile off my face. I continued to smile when I would think of an extra ingredient to add in. Each time the poor girl thought she was done I added another. I didn’t care about being judged.

My only fear was that it would have costed more than the $11 I had on me. I failed to mention…I’m broke. The last thing I should be doing is spending $10.12 on ice cream. But that will be breakfast and dinner for at least a day or 2 so I’m good…right? Wrong!

Depression

You know you are depressed when you realize your antidepressant meds are working and you don’t want them to.

You just want to feel every detail of pain an sorrow. Instead you just feel sad, confused about why you wanted to drown in the bath tub a few days ago. Telling yourself it wasn’t that bad, but wishing you had the guts to do it. 

You are in this world of middle grown. You are still down but energy and optimism wants to leap out of you. It’s a mental twilight zone really. In many ways this feeling is not better because of the struggle. It’s confusing, overwhelming, and lonely.

You realized you were always in the twilight zone. The twilight zone is the reality. The extreme highs and lows are ignited by other stimuli. My love life saddens me, my friends bring laughter, and work is a combination of both that keeps me grounded. However, when I’m home alone  or alone with my thoughts; I find myself stuck in the twilight zone.
So I guess the pills are working…