Chronically Healing Through Writing

Thoughts of the end -so through a pen I share rawfully honest thoughts. Thoughts about my relationship with chronic pain. Thoughts about the fantasies of romantic love , and the agony when this illusion disappears. The goal is to learn from my own journey through words.

Category: heartbroken

Girlfriend

I know this may upset your girlfriend, but I love you still.

I know this will upset your future girlfriend, but I love you still.

I sense the turbulence in your current relationship… well because I love you still. My love is a force moving in between the two of you, and for that I am sorry.

This may sound horrible and I promise you I am not one of those girls. However, this is what happens when you don’t clean your house before company arrives.

You left things incomplete, out of order, and somethings are still missing.

So when I say I still love you; its because you never told me you didn’t.

Nothing Left

My love for you provided my own comfort; in retrospect, I was always uncomfortable
I came up empty time after time
You had all the things I wanted someone to give me
So I gave until I had nothing left
I have nothing left
I have nothing left
I have nothing left
Right?

Somebody Almost Walked off with all of my Stuff – My version

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As many times as I’ve heard this poem.  It moved me like never before at this point in my life. I almost lost it all. I almost made the choice to lose it all.  I almost gave another total control of my future.  I almost allowed him to walk away with my sanity, my self worth, and my life. I became unrecognizable.

Ben and Jerry’s became my new best friend,  because if he didn’t want me no one else would. My skin started to peel from dryness after all the tears cried; neglecting to moisturize. I neglected my hair,  neglected my attire, neglected my home, neglected my smile.

I started to hear ringing from replaying all the conversations I never got to have. So I started to have them in my mind, and sometimes words came out. I found myself talking to him out loud, and he was no where in sight.

I started to lose my grip on reality. As strong as I appear to be, I am like any other women with a broken heart. I am like any other woman who was desperate to get him back. I am the woman who considered the posibility of harming herself to see if he would come. I am the woman who considered harming herself to see if he cared.  I am the woman who considered harming herself because I believed I could never get better. 

I am the woman who chose him over family and friends. I am the woman who told herself, “they have their own family; they have their own life…I need to make him my life…I need to make him my family. 

To think about where I would be had I stayed. To think about where I would be if I stopped fighting for my life. To think of where I would be if didn’t believe this pain would ease.

I would be the woman who let him walk away with all my stuff.

Ignoring all organ functions

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He said all the wrong things at the right time…but I stayed anyway.
Idiotic is the feeling that rushes through when I realized I ignored the truth.
Giving preference to the illusional delusional characteristics of the heart.
Telling myself the heart is more than an organ.
The heart seemed to have pumped too much rose color nonsense to my brain.
When I am usually Medusa; filled with self created black blood.
With the power of healing my own wounds.
Self inflicted by ignoring my gut
Internally bleeding and regurgitating the red for black.
Deep inside I knew he never had me, or my emotional backing.
Trust. I trusted. I envisioned. I wish I hoped. I did all things a pessimistic Medusa wouldn’t do. Hope.
After the septic shock caused by the bacteria which is he
I then went into cardiogenic shock
I’m now in the garden alone trapped inside my own body.
No brain activity just artificially living and breathing, with the breath of lies that never left.
At one point his breath kept me warm.
No longer a thinking, feeling, loving being.
I live off vaccines
Forever to be punished for listening to the rose colored organ over matter.
Forever to be punished because I been here before, and assumed the same action will produce a different result.
Forever punished for trusting him with my heart-Hoping the gut was telling the brain lies as a defense mechanism.
Forever punished for going in the field of love without armour-again.
I guess I deserve to be a vegetable. I just can’t help but feel  for the next guy who think he will get more added to this meal.
I am a vegetable.

Naked

I no longer want to be naked. Naked= alone.

Clothes will always be with me.

I continue to cover the truth, flaws, and scars.

Camouflage  the  fat-covered well enough to elude the most clever of characters

One will not leave from disappoint- Only touch me when I am in cloth

Draped over my body, to hide the shame; the embarrassment; my truest self

The self I do not know anymore.

 I refuse to display things I no longer recognize.

The viewer would know me more than I know myself-and then leave

And every time after, I must knit another sweater, because I have grown cold after-he left

Tired of rebuilding-Putting myself back together-re-learning to love the woman who always gets walked out on

Desperate enough to want them to stay, and welcome the mental abuse

A shameful thought to think abuse = something more than abandonment- maybe love?

At least he stays- I say in my head

He stays and yells; he stays and neglects; he stays and takes advantage; he stays and fights with me

Point is… he stays

No, they all leave and they all leave the same way

Disappears without a word; not even willing to return to get the things they left behind 

Leaving me to think my nakedness ran them off

So I will remain covered

 

Drowning

I continue to drown. I allow myself to drown- as I wait for this one lifeguard to save me.

The same lifeguard who threw me in.

It was supposed to be a small dip.

Drowning, now sinking, as I go under. I realize his hand is pushing me further down this ocean.

This ocean consist of the tears that never end. 

Suffocated by false nurture- he pushes me further into the land of known.

I known- I knew he would let me sink- I didn’t know he would throw me in.

Usually this lifeguard would  slowly guide me to the water.

He said I needed to learn how to swim, and  would never let me drown. 

He then would take me to the deep end where I began to struggle. I would begin to lose my bearings and he would eventually rescue me. 

He would scoop me in his arms, and wrap me with his towel of false nurture, and I admit I feel secure each time

He always knew how to save me, and comfort me. 

Now I am drowning, and he does not want me to come for air. 

After pushing my head down; I am now unconscious, but I hear him walking away in relief.

He is relieved that he no longer has to pretend to care if I drown.

He is relieved- he is now of duty

I am conscious in spirit, and I see other life guards willing to rescue me.

I won’t let them because I stand firm on waiting for this one particular life guard.

However, his footsteps sound further away. He is not coming back.

I wait .

He who causes the boo-boo- is the one you want the band-aid from

He who causes the tears- is the one you want to dry them away

And then there is mine

Who allowed my tears to become an ocean.

Suffocated and drowned me in my ocean of tears and walked away.

Alone or lonely

It’s the times your are amongst many when you realize you are the loneliness.

He said

You recall conversations
You remember when he said
He said he gives it 2 tries
He tried twice
He would wait 2 days
He would call 2 times
He believes in second chances
However not when it comes to me.
One day, one call, and I am not even a second thought.
Who is the winner if you can’t be in first place? What about 2nd or 3rd? Is there a difference?

Ignoring my gut

http://lizisarealist.tumblr.com/post/47189190860/losing-my-gut

lizisarealist Posted from WordPress for Android

He never measured up to my lowest standards

http://lizisarealist.tumblr.com/post/47190843234/he-is-a-disappointment

lizisarealist Posted from WordPress for Android