Chronically Healing Through Writing

Thoughts of the end -so through a pen I share rawfully honest thoughts. Thoughts about my relationship with chronic pain. Thoughts about the fantasies of romantic love , and the agony when this illusion disappears. The goal is to learn from my own journey through words.

Category: love lost

Somebody Almost Walked off with all of my Stuff – My version

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As many times as I’ve heard this poem.  It moved me like never before at this point in my life. I almost lost it all. I almost made the choice to lose it all.  I almost gave another total control of my future.  I almost allowed him to walk away with my sanity, my self worth, and my life. I became unrecognizable.

Ben and Jerry’s became my new best friend,  because if he didn’t want me no one else would. My skin started to peel from dryness after all the tears cried; neglecting to moisturize. I neglected my hair,  neglected my attire, neglected my home, neglected my smile.

I started to hear ringing from replaying all the conversations I never got to have. So I started to have them in my mind, and sometimes words came out. I found myself talking to him out loud, and he was no where in sight.

I started to lose my grip on reality. As strong as I appear to be, I am like any other women with a broken heart. I am like any other woman who was desperate to get him back. I am the woman who considered the posibility of harming herself to see if he would come. I am the woman who considered harming herself to see if he cared.  I am the woman who considered harming herself because I believed I could never get better. 

I am the woman who chose him over family and friends. I am the woman who told herself, “they have their own family; they have their own life…I need to make him my life…I need to make him my family. 

To think about where I would be had I stayed. To think about where I would be if I stopped fighting for my life. To think of where I would be if didn’t believe this pain would ease.

I would be the woman who let him walk away with all my stuff.

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Ignoring all organ functions

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He said all the wrong things at the right time…but I stayed anyway.
Idiotic is the feeling that rushes through when I realized I ignored the truth.
Giving preference to the illusional delusional characteristics of the heart.
Telling myself the heart is more than an organ.
The heart seemed to have pumped too much rose color nonsense to my brain.
When I am usually Medusa; filled with self created black blood.
With the power of healing my own wounds.
Self inflicted by ignoring my gut
Internally bleeding and regurgitating the red for black.
Deep inside I knew he never had me, or my emotional backing.
Trust. I trusted. I envisioned. I wish I hoped. I did all things a pessimistic Medusa wouldn’t do. Hope.
After the septic shock caused by the bacteria which is he
I then went into cardiogenic shock
I’m now in the garden alone trapped inside my own body.
No brain activity just artificially living and breathing, with the breath of lies that never left.
At one point his breath kept me warm.
No longer a thinking, feeling, loving being.
I live off vaccines
Forever to be punished for listening to the rose colored organ over matter.
Forever to be punished because I been here before, and assumed the same action will produce a different result.
Forever punished for trusting him with my heart-Hoping the gut was telling the brain lies as a defense mechanism.
Forever punished for going in the field of love without armour-again.
I guess I deserve to be a vegetable. I just can’t help but feel  for the next guy who think he will get more added to this meal.
I am a vegetable.