Vanished

Mourning the loss of a dying breed.
A dying love in a generation of meaningless encounters, and unmet needs.
Where the moment of clarity is experienced after the release.

When learning leads to nothing more than the cancellation of a trial membership. Death of the notion that love could be  reciprocal.  Something  deserved. Something prayed for. Something  needed.  Something that made you a better you. A love that was a mirror. A love that helped you tackle the world.  A love that made a cold world comfortable.

A love that brought out your brightest aura in moments of darkness.  A love that loved you when others thought you were useless.

A love that saw your weakness as a strength. A love that is motivated by said strength and vice versa.  Most importantly,  a love that you believe in. A uniquely perfect fit.  The missing piece to the unsolved puzzle.A twin flame if you will. When your lover said it would be ok…and you believed them. You believed because you believed they would indeed be present. Trusting their lead, as you protect their back. Only to spot check, and see nothing.
                        Vanished

Stranger

Sanity has become fantasy
Dreaming of nights when sleep was peaceful
Remembering days when mornings were hopeful
The man I allowed in my bed
The hopes planted in my head
Now in an afterlife of words that were broken
Moments that were stolen
Colors of me fade as his grow brighter
Letting love with someone else take him higher
When it was I who taught him how to love
Now left loveless, and that I am ashamed of
Stolen moments are now shared with someone else
As I pick up the pieces and try to heal myself
Loneliness grows into sorrow as sorrow grows into anger
Still refusing to believe my once love has become a stranger

Dumped by Actions

Internal cries of November
As fall leaves, and winter arrives in December
Our love in the summer is what I will always remember
Less clothing worn, and his touch was so tender

Mistakes evolved into the decision
When love became cold and lost vision
I was convinced staying would heal  S.A.D
I told myself praying would return his love for me
Seasons changed and he still didn’t move
His strategy worked; I had to show and prove
He became presently absent each and everyday
Yet, our memories of summer told me to stay
He finally said the words to remove me from the equation
I out stayed him; he grew impatient-
Wanted out of the situation
Reversed psychology belonged to him
As I orchestrated the words that became our end
All apart of his exit plan
And still, I want my palm in his hand

Powerless

I am powerless over bringing my dreams to light.
I’m powerless over his next move.
I can not stop him from moving n.
I can not stop him from seeing the light in another.
What am I going to do once he really moves on?
How will I move on?
The man of my dreams who does not share my affections.
People say I should move on.
People say I will find someone better.
No, no no no no no no
I want him, I want what I had.
The one who fit,  like a glove, eased my nerves,  made me comfortable.
How could my best not be good enough
My friends say it’s ok; you can’t make everyone happy.
It’s not ok, because I gave my all.
I gave my all and the one I wanted didn’t want it.
People say I’m the problem,  for falling for someone who didn’t love you.
Yet as hurt as I am I can only think of the good times.
How happy his existence made me.
How he was never the type to be on my list and now my list describes him.
There will never be a duplicate. 
I feel like I’m starving.  I’m going through withdrawal. 
He will move on. He will find better.
What will I have left? 
Just memories.
It’s pointless to share with someone who will only settle for you to protect your feelings
Still I want to relinquish all of my pride and tell him
Life has not moved since you left
Joy is a mask
I miss being in your arms
I miss feeling like I’m a part of something.  A team.
I literally need you to breath.
I need you to live fully
I always lived but became alive when we connected.
It was beyond sex.  You were the truest friend and lover.
People say make yourself happy. 
I have been content. I have been full with positive normalcy.
You brought true happiness. 
Happiness I never knew could exist
And after all that I have to go back to my regular life.
I know sharing my feelings would go on deaf ears. 
So I suffer alone.

Burning Tears

Minutes passed and my eyes are still burning from the tears

Staining my face as I reflect on my future years

Years without the one who released my deepest fears

The fear that silence would be the song singing in my ears

Hours passed and my eyes are still burning from the tears

Recalling all the words said; the words I needed to hear

Realizing in the present, intentions were never clear

Dazed I am, as headlights dazed the deer

Days passed and my eyes are still burning from the tears

Reflecting on the time invested, yet now he is no longer near

Becoming clearer and clearer that said affections weren’t sincere

The mourning of his departure is becoming too severe

Weeks passed and my eyes are still burning from the tears

I openly welcomed death just so my mind would permanently clear

Clear my mind of the thoughts; asking why he disappeared

Replaying every moment; hoping the answer became engineered

Months passed and my eyes are still burning from the tears

Was it me? Did I not wholeheartedly adhere

to every want, and desire requested of my dear

Was it me? Did I lack in optimism? Did I lack in cheer?

Did the anxiety of losing love run him into the opposite sphere

A year passed and my eyes are still burning from the tears

I am dead inside and isolated from all my peers

He has moved on and its  simply isn’t fair

I was never allowed to plead my case; and so the end is near

He  stood back as I stabbed myself violently with his spear

Dying a slow death; bleeding out, he never shed a tear

Infinity passed and my eyes eternally burning from the tears

Permanently stained on my cheeks, are life times of fear

The fear of being alone, and the  fear that no one cares

He finds me in every life, by the smell of my burning tears

The cycle continues, as I am resurrected by the words I want to hear

That he is the love of my life, and he will never go anywhere.

No Me Without You

What say you?

What say I?

As you never uttered the words goodbye

You blew harshly away like the wind that cuts

My face is red and fingertips burnt from many butts

Chain smoking and binging on the new reality

That alone is the new mentality

I must become accustomed to

On my knees praying never to see the sky as blue

There is no me; there is no me…

There is no me…Without you

All I secretly wanted was to be great

You were someone who could truly relate

To all my wants and needs

It was you who bandaged the bleed

With your optimism and zest for life

Death was no longer welcomed by the knife

I planned to see in my chest

If alone was where I continued to rest

Instead the knife entered my back

Thus returning back to black

Blindly Infatuated

Naked eye blind.

Third eye closed.

Visually impaired to the truth.

Pineal Gland dark with the toxins of make believe.

Seeing through a black hole that leads to no where.

Your words camouflaged the reality of my subconscious eye.

Yet and still I would rather be fooled by the stars.

Where the constellations are never ending, and I cannot connect the dots.

Still blindly following the star that constantly shoots away from me

My untamed heart; my untamed mind, my untamed eye.

I feel the energy of the moon on my skin disguised as the sun.

Trying to burn sense into my senses

Telling me I am following the darkest of  paramour that wears sunshine as a smile.

My senses can indeed feel his smile on my skin, and I melt in the illusion of us.

Believing my paramour will follow me to all planets- until I see I am just alone with memories here on earth.

Remembering the highs of feigned innocence and the lows of his depravity.

The bitterness stings like freezer burn.

I miss the warm blood flowing through me.

I miss the body heat followed by cold hands.

I chose to close my eyes

This is where I am

The Aftermath of Loving the Unavailable

Romantics say they would do it all over again

If they had the chance- to fall in love – all over again

I would rather erase the notion of love from my soul then to experience the pain of love loss again

It’s a chronic pain that remains

constant until its done torturing

and the suffering…

You prefer fire over freezing

A slow death over breathing

You wonder where God is in all of this

You sleep until you are dust

The tears cried can fill up buckets and put out fires

You wish the act of crying can burn calories after all the emotional eating

You lose your appetite and your stomach swells from hunger; yet are numb to the pain

You have only dined on your finger nails

To drink were the salty tears that dripped down to your lips

The image of the end is the only thought that brings comfort

You make your life insurance policy more accessible

You realize that’s a silly thought…Puts back in drawer

Bathing takes too much effort

Turning on the TV takes too much effort

Answering the phone takes too much effort

Reality kicks in and you realize you have a job

Showering and combing your hair is a normal routine before going in to work; yet too much effort

Apparently, you do not do the best job reducing the puffiness in your eyes, or the swelling in your face

You lie about having allergies during non-allergy season.

Your eyes are bloody red. They constantly swell up with tears that periodically fall

You can’t see the computer screen

You keep taking bathroom breaks

You realize you are not equipped for work, and ask the boss if you can leave… “You’re sick”

Your boss sympathetically grants your request because there is no doubt…you look like lard and death

You return home and realized you no longer have any sick or personal time left…you don’t care

You lay back down in the permanent indent you left of your body in the bed

Its 12 noon and you hear your neighbors having sex, and wonder why the universe hates you so much

You are green with envy because you have no idea when you will make love again

You then try to shake the jealous and defeating thoughts

Your’e thinking the emotional price must be high to be touched.  She could be sleeping with the enemy or a soulless creature who only awakens when inside. Like I was

Yet you can’t stop wishing it were you again

Wishing for that glimpse of hope

That someone will want you again

That he will want you again, and realize the mistake he has made

You snap out of that fantasy to see flashbacks of the awkward facial expressions he would make when you mentioned future plans. When you mentioned the restaurant you wanted to try next month

Unknowing his plans did not reach that far

Flashbacks of him growing distant and cold. Lacking intimacy and affection. Seeing him lie on the opposite side of the bed missing when you spooned.

Replaying the conversations asking if you did anything wrong?

If so how can you fix it? Asking if he is okay

Offering your body

Offering your listening ear

Offering peace of mind

Offering a comfortable place (your heart)

All to be declined offers

Wishing he would at least take advantage of you like he did before

Thinking the only way to prove your worth is to allow yourself to be used

Feeling less than when that’s no longer good enough

You realize he doesn’t need you anymore either

He found his independence

You wonder who the other woman is who has his nose open

Realizing that it may just be you are no longer good enough.

Your time is up

He is done. You don’t have long-term lasting power

You’re nice, but not future material

He lies to keep from feeling bad about hurting your feelings. Knowing he just wishes you would get the hint

You ignore the pattern that you have initiated contact for months, and if you did not; you didn’t see or hear him.

You did not read a message he wrote. You did not feel his breath on your skin. The scent of him has faded from your sheets

The stench of his habits have gone

You gradually see less of his personal effects. The only things left could be left behind, and he never returns for them

You finally decide to let him go by no longer initiating contact

He never checks on you

You wonder if he remembers aside from lovers a friendship was built; does he care about how he is hurting his friend?

You keep fighting the urge to call or do a drive by

You keep going over what you did wrong this time.

Wondering why is it always so bad that they chose the route to disappear instead. Abandoned you.

This is what happens when you fall in love with one who is invisible/unavailable

He was never really there.

He was a figment of ego driven desires

Now you are left with the reflection of your own shadow

Your need for love caused him to emotionally drain you

He took all of the sun as you became his shadow

Now he is off either giving or taking light from another

You are back to sewing the pieces of a sweater together, as you have grown frigid

How many times can one put the pieces back together?

I am no romantic… the temporary high is not worth the low.

Photo:artist unknown

Fake it until you make it…I guess

Today I am going to pretend  that I apply all these wonderful lessons to my life.

I am going to read all the positive affirmations and pretend that it’s working for me.

I will pretend I am as positive as the things I post in hopes that it sinks in.
I will pretend that this ginger is ridding my body of inflammation.

I will pretend this probiotic will clean the gut I constantly ignored when I knew he was never going to give me himself fully.

I will pretend the cucumber and celery in my green juice will flush out the toxins I put in my body the night before; to drink my sorrows away.

I will pretend that I am not aching from the inside out because he he and he left  forcing me to walk away to keep some dignity.

I will pretend that I am this universal catch and that it’s his loss.

I will pretend my life is filled with joy, and that I no longer feel lonely.

I will pretend people actually read my writing, and take something from it.

I will pretend not to care if I’m heard.

I will pretend not to care if I do not receive feedback.

I will pretend that any feedback would help me get over him.

I will pretend he is just one person, and not past lovers reincarnated from my mind.

I will pretend that I am a victim, and I played no part in being left emotionally destitute, destroyed, and hopeless.

I will pretend not to hate myself for breaking all my rules in the name of love, while diminishing common sense.

I will pretend to pray to the universe, and pretend it hears me.

I will pretend not to be angry at God for taking him away from me.

I will pretend not to be embarrassed and angry at myself for praying so hard for another human to fill the lonely void in my soul.

I will pretend that I wasn’t happy when the universe finally listened and blessed me with the man I wanted.

I will pretend to learn my lesson, and not be a fool again.

I will pretend that yoga and meditation will help.

I will pretend that I am satisfied with a toy, wine, and incense.

I will pretend to be a whole person; not seeking another half.

I will pretend to be healed.

Ignoring all organ functions

He said all the wrong things at the right time…but I stayed anyway.
Idiotic is the feeling that rushes through when I realized I ignored the truth.
Giving preference to the illusional delusional characteristics of the heart.
Telling myself the heart is more than an organ.
The heart seemed to have pumped too much rose color nonsense to my brain.
When I am usually Medusa; filled with self created black blood.
With the power of healing my own wounds.
Self inflicted by ignoring my gut
Internally bleeding and regurgitating the red for black.
Deep inside I knew he never had me, or my emotional backing.
Trust. I trusted. I envisioned. I wish I hoped. I did all things a pessimistic Medusa wouldn’t do. Hope.
After the septic shock caused by the bacteria which is he
I then went into cardiogenic shock
I’m now in the garden alone trapped inside my own body.
No brain activity just artificially living and breathing, with the breath of lies that never left.
At one point his breath kept me warm.
No longer a thinking, feeling, loving being.
I live off vaccines
Forever to be punished for listening to the rose colored organ over matter.
Forever to be punished because I been here before, and assumed the same action will produce a different result.
Forever punished for trusting him with my heart-Hoping the gut was telling the brain lies as a defense mechanism.
Forever punished for going in the field of love without armour-again.
I guess I deserve to be a vegetable. I just can’t help but feel  for the next guy who think he will get more added to this meal.
I am a vegetable.