Chronically Healing Through Writing

Thoughts of the end -so through a pen I share rawfully honest thoughts. Thoughts about my relationship with chronic pain. Thoughts about the fantasies of romantic love , and the agony when this illusion disappears. The goal is to learn from my own journey through words.

Month: February, 2015

Ex- Affirmations

1. His preference does not prove my worth.
2. I am not less than because he decided to leave.
3. My relationship status does not determine my value.
4. I forgive myself for ignoring the signs.
5. I forgive myself for choosing him over me.
6. If he doesn’t like it; someone else will love it.
7. It will get easier.
8. He will be someone else’s headache.
9. There is no one else like me, and I love that about myself.
10. I dedicate myself to self-love.

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Somebody Almost Walked off with all of my Stuff – My version

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As many times as I’ve heard this poem.  It moved me like never before at this point in my life. I almost lost it all. I almost made the choice to lose it all.  I almost gave another total control of my future.  I almost allowed him to walk away with my sanity, my self worth, and my life. I became unrecognizable.

Ben and Jerry’s became my new best friend,  because if he didn’t want me no one else would. My skin started to peel from dryness after all the tears cried; neglecting to moisturize. I neglected my hair,  neglected my attire, neglected my home, neglected my smile.

I started to hear ringing from replaying all the conversations I never got to have. So I started to have them in my mind, and sometimes words came out. I found myself talking to him out loud, and he was no where in sight.

I started to lose my grip on reality. As strong as I appear to be, I am like any other women with a broken heart. I am like any other woman who was desperate to get him back. I am the woman who considered the posibility of harming herself to see if he would come. I am the woman who considered harming herself to see if he cared.  I am the woman who considered harming herself because I believed I could never get better. 

I am the woman who chose him over family and friends. I am the woman who told herself, “they have their own family; they have their own life…I need to make him my life…I need to make him my family. 

To think about where I would be had I stayed. To think about where I would be if I stopped fighting for my life. To think of where I would be if didn’t believe this pain would ease.

I would be the woman who let him walk away with all my stuff.