Chronically Healing Through Writing

Thoughts of the end -so through a pen I share rawfully honest thoughts. Thoughts about my relationship with chronic pain. Thoughts about the fantasies of romantic love , and the agony when this illusion disappears. The goal is to learn from my own journey through words.

Month: October, 2014

If only…

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If only you envisioned me in your tomorrow, and not just in the moment; we would’ve had yesterday.

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Untitled Endearment

Twin_Flame_by_FuzzyEye

If the writings in Revelations are true

Would we be the only ones who survives life ending?

Yes, just us two.

Our love would recreate what chemistry really means.

A rejuvenated Adam and Eve will repaint the earth green.

No care in the world of what was false or what was true.

Our  arising erases the past and expels it into a sky that is no longer blue.

Blindly Infatuated

closed_eyes_by_ocularreverie-d5hh0tm

Naked eye blind.

Third eye closed.

Visually impaired to the truth.

Pineal Gland dark with the toxins of make believe.

Seeing through a black hole that leads to no where.

Your words camouflaged the reality of my subconscious eye.

Yet and still I would rather be fooled by the stars.

Where the constellations are never ending, and I cannot connect the dots.

Still blindly following the star that constantly shoots away from me

My untamed heart; my untamed mind, my untamed eye.

I feel the energy of the moon on my skin disguised as the sun.

Trying to burn sense into my senses

Telling me I am following the darkest of  paramour that wears sunshine as a smile.

My senses can indeed feel his smile on my skin, and I melt in the illusion of us.

Believing my paramour will follow me to all planets- until I see I am just alone with memories here on earth.

Remembering the highs of feigned innocence and the lows of his depravity.

The bitterness stings like freezer burn.

I miss the warm blood flowing through me.

I miss the body heat followed by cold hands.

I chose to close my eyes

This is where I am

Mirror Mirror

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What is a mirror?

I see it as glass that cuts the image of who I truly am.

Some mirrors filter out the originals so we can see what we want to see.

The false lighting;  false smile; false beauty; the false ugliness.

How do I know if what I see is the truth?

Each piece of glass displays something different… They call them filters.

I am the lie hidden behind the glass.

I know nothing; I see nothing.

If I were to touch a face that is mine; would I know its me without looking?

Without any facial impurities or scaring to give me a clue?

I walked through life hoping someone really sees me.

The way I see myself in my favorite mirror.

The one with the perfect light and perfect shading.

The perfect camera; reflecting the best light under the darkest of circumstances.

Yet, I want someone who can also see through the darkness as well.

Recognizing me without knowing who I am.

He will touch my face and know that it is me in the darkness.

Not mislead by light , nor will run away from the dark.

He will stand firm and steady through all transparency; like an unbreakable mirror.

What is a mirror? Something man-made.

I only believe in my shadow. The dark figure that reflects my movement in the light.

Naked

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Just Naked

I no longer want see you in clothing.
I only want to see you naked. The real you.
I want to see your insecurities; your blind spots; your spleen; your spine; your gut as it breaths.
I want to see the cells move through your body.
I want to see how the blood circulates through your body, and how it rushes to the parts that keep you living.
I want to see you eliminate the toxins of the world.
I want to see your eyes and mouth move when you speak, and close when you sleep.
I want to study your hands, and soak in your sweat glands.
I want to move through you and come back on the other side.
I want to know you when I know nothing at all
I want to be able to recognize you when you are a stranger

 

The Aftermath of Loving the Unavailable

Kupe

Romantics say they would do it all over again

If they had the chance- to fall in love – all over again

I would rather erase the notion of love from my soul then to experience the pain of love loss again

It’s a chronic pain that remains

constant until its done torturing

and the suffering…

You prefer fire over freezing

A slow death over breathing

You wonder where God is in all of this

You sleep until you are dust

The tears cried can fill up buckets and put out fires

You wish the act of crying can burn calories after all the emotional eating

You lose your appetite and your stomach swells from hunger; yet are numb to the pain

You have only dined on your finger nails

To drink were the salty tears that dripped down to your lips

The image of the end is the only thought that brings comfort

You make your life insurance policy more accessible

You realize that’s a silly thought…Puts back in drawer

Bathing takes too much effort

Turning on the TV takes too much effort

Answering the phone takes too much effort

Reality kicks in and you realize you have a job

Showering and combing your hair is a normal routine before going in to work; yet too much effort

Apparently, you do not do the best job reducing the puffiness in your eyes, or the swelling in your face

You lie about having allergies during non-allergy season.

Your eyes are bloody red. They constantly swell up with tears that periodically fall

You can’t see the computer screen

You keep taking bathroom breaks

You realize you are not equipped for work, and ask the boss if you can leave… “You’re sick”

Your boss sympathetically grants your request because there is no doubt…you look like lard and death

You return home and realized you no longer have any sick or personal time left…you don’t care

You lay back down in the permanent indent you left of your body in the bed

Its 12 noon and you hear your neighbors having sex, and wonder why the universe hates you so much

You are green with envy because you have no idea when you will make love again

You then try to shake the jealous and defeating thoughts

Your’e thinking the emotional price must be high to be touched.  She could be sleeping with the enemy or a soulless creature who only awakens when inside. Like I was

Yet you can’t stop wishing it were you again

Wishing for that glimpse of hope

That someone will want you again

That he will want you again, and realize the mistake he has made

You snap out of that fantasy to see flashbacks of the awkward facial expressions he would make when you mentioned future plans. When you mentioned the restaurant you wanted to try next month

Unknowing his plans did not reach that far

Flashbacks of him growing distant and cold. Lacking intimacy and affection. Seeing him lie on the opposite side of the bed missing when you spooned.

Replaying the conversations asking if you did anything wrong?

If so how can you fix it? Asking if he is okay

Offering your body

Offering your listening ear

Offering peace of mind

Offering a comfortable place (your heart)

All to be declined offers

Wishing he would at least take advantage of you like he did before

Thinking the only way to prove your worth is to allow yourself to be used

Feeling less than when that’s no longer good enough

You realize he doesn’t need you anymore either

He found his independence

You wonder who the other woman is who has his nose open

Realizing that it may just be you are no longer good enough.

Your time is up

He is done. You don’t have long-term lasting power

You’re nice, but not future material

He lies to keep from feeling bad about hurting your feelings. Knowing he just wishes you would get the hint

You ignore the pattern that you have initiated contact for months, and if you did not; you didn’t see or hear him.

You did not read a message he wrote. You did not feel his breath on your skin. The scent of him has faded from your sheets

The stench of his habits have gone

You gradually see less of his personal effects. The only things left could be left behind, and he never returns for them

You finally decide to let him go by no longer initiating contact

He never checks on you

You wonder if he remembers aside from lovers a friendship was built; does he care about how he is hurting his friend?

You keep fighting the urge to call or do a drive by

You keep going over what you did wrong this time.

Wondering why is it always so bad that they chose the route to disappear instead. Abandoned you.

This is what happens when you fall in love with one who is invisible/unavailable

He was never really there.

He was a figment of ego driven desires

Now you are left with the reflection of your own shadow

Your need for love caused him to emotionally drain you

He took all of the sun as you became his shadow

Now he is off either giving or taking light from another

You are back to sewing the pieces of a sweater together, as you have grown frigid

How many times can one put the pieces back together?

I am no romantic… the temporary high is not worth the low.

Photo:artist unknown

Smile

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My smile is just a cover letter. An introduction to the things I want others to believe. That I am content, pain free, confident, and that I deal with disappointment well. I smile to pretend I have moved on, and that I am not heartbroken. I smile to believe that I am truly smiling. I smile to show that I am trying and fighting for unique normalcy. I see that our smiles match, and that I am not alone. Why are you smiling?