Mourning
This mourning period does not occur after every relationship. It happens when you thought your search was over.
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This mourning period does not occur after every relationship. It happens when you thought your search was over.
A year ago today…weeks prior, I made advances towards a man who was not interested in me. For a brief second I read a text message… I read it in a spirit of hope, more like delusion. I mean…I saw it so clearly. So I carried on for weeks. Ignoring things. Seeing more words in his one word replies…more than one sentence to my paragraphs. I saw substance in nothing. So today, last year, I persuaded him to come to my home. In my fantasy, he was dying to see me, and this was his idea. To make a long story short I slept with him. I couldn’t even see straight. It was…gasp… indescribable. I didn’t know how much I missed that level of intimacy. Once it was over… it was really over. My chest grows tighter thinking about it. I have not seen him since. To give your body away on Father’s day. To feel so empty. Like a fatherless child that no one wants. Sister I beg you not to make that mistake again
I light my bowl with incense. I turn on the stove, burn the incense, and light up. Not for anything supernatural ; I just don’t play with matches. The message I took from my parents. Why? Well when I decided to play with fire I was burned instantly. So I learned my lesson early on.
I didn’t listen to every piece of advice though. They also told me “not to talk to boys”
“Don’t let them touch you”
Well…
I remember smiling so hard outside of a bedroom. I mean… enjoying his company throughout every inch of the earth. Happy… Just happy to have conversation outside of pillow talk. Less bull shit. The environment of lust did not cloud our thoughts. We wholeheartedly enjoyed one another. Listening, laughing, gazing, and just being ourselves. I miss that.
My past won’t allow me to be in a relationship where I’m uncomfortable with vulnerability. I’m tired of protecting myself. I want to love freely, and simply be myself. Let me out. Let me be free.
I am hoping for your soul’s sake that its me you cannot warm up to. I really hope you have the capacity to feel more. If you can’t; I’m sorry on behalf of whoever it was that hurt you. Not only did they damage you; they ruined you for me, and that is the biggest tragedy in all of this. Your walls are far too rigid, and I need the strength to protect my own instead of fighting to break yours down.
The way you touch me sends Oxytocin in overdrive.Our night together made it clear that it was just hormones. No true feelings are behind your touch. Its a gift and a curse. You are capable of making me feeling like I am the only woman in the world…until its over. These have to be the traits of a sociopath. To be so in-tuned with someone at one moment and then emotionally withdraw moments later .
”Is it because I accept you, and you’re not used to that? Would you rather remain a victim so you have a story to tell~and your love bashing remains valid?”
When you hear a song you know your ex would’ve loved. Now you’ve become nostalgic-in this fantasy.
I remember when I loved it.I remember listening to music alone fantasizing about who I would listen to this art with- while blowing air into one.
I remember when I romanticized-got lost in fantasy. The reality is never as good.
Why wouldn’t I be dead inside.
Chronically Healing Through Writing 